A general poll - for chicks mostly

[jeanvieve]

Okay gals. This is a litmus test of a concept I mulled over for years. It was sourced in things like my mother always being the one to flush the goldfish, hold us when we sobbed over the dead cats, our first school day crushes that were crushed in turn by life and circumstances. And perhaps it is a stereotype, of woman the caregiver.

It deals with generalities. I expect you all will know shining exceptions to the rule, stay home daddies etc. But:

Do you, in your heart and mind and based on experiences you personally have, believe that men as a general rule are emotional cowards?

Not physical, not how well they dare to face bombs and bullets and will race to the building to pull out the screaming baby. I have nothing but deep respect and admiration for the bravery of the male race, when it is their life on the line.

But when it is their feelings? Or the feelings/tears of others?

Lay it on me. Have men grown bold and modern, capable of dealing with death and pain and sorrow while I wasn't looking? I wait upon your words to determine if I should review my convictions.

Comments

[balutakat.livejournal.com]

I've given more than a little thought to the subject, myself. I want desperately to be able to solve this puzzle through a rational, logical means, to say Scientific Evidence Proves: Men's Emotional Depth -- Ain't Much To Analyze. I've decided that the real question (for me) is not whether men are emotional cowards, but why I care if they are or not. Do I give up my sense of control and power in the face of cold reason - am I afraid of unfeeling or emotionally unavailable men? More so than unfeeling or emotionally unavailable women? Do I suspect them of unethical behavior (never mind how irrational that sounds for the moment) simply because they are indifferent? I do. In fact, I strongly suspect and am repulsed by what I see as manipulative and calculating behavior in the part of these "cowards" who pretend they don't care or feel, or who flatly refuse to share.

This leads me back to me (well, introspection often does). What difference does it make to me if people I love and care for act in ways that disturb me? (This seems obvious, but analyzing it helps me cope better.) I don't have one answer for the question. It does make a difference, in the way I act and think not only about the person in question but sometimes in the way I treat myself or think of me. Perhaps it is at the heart of those "Be the change you want to see" mantras. Why am I so let down and angry, why do I perceive "cowards" as cunning and tricky and perfectly aware of how they affect me? Because they undo and unmask me, expose me in moments of crisis, let me down, make me regret who I am and devalue what I have to offer. This is now an issue of trust in myself to make good decisions about who to give my heart, not about who they "really" are.

Thanks for reading me rantie. It's not an answer, but at least you know we think about similar issues. I love to see how you ponder the Big Questions.

[jeanvieve.livejournal.com]

I like to pull out all my stereotypes now and again and give them a good shaking and airing to see if they still fit. Like my closet, I suppose.

I really like your phrase 'do they devalue what I have to offer', though I think I use it more widely. But I have some specific memories. It could be that I have managed to through coincidence or self destructive tendencies involve myself with men that are not emotionally brave. The words of all you ladies make me stop and ponder how much is me and projection vs them.

I don't know that I expect bravery. I read my cheesy paranormal romance novels, and scoff every time the hero's gaze lights for the first time upon the heroine and he realizes that instant she's the only one for him. But I've felt it. And very few guys I know have confessed similarly. (Those that have confessed such things could be what renews my own faith and courage. I want one!)

Worst story ever, having one male friend tell my boyfriend "You're hurting Jeannie's feelings you know," only to have the other one say "Damn it! Why did you tell me that? Now I have to do something." To me, that's my perception of the cowardly part. The one that doesn't face the logical consequences of their actions, avoiding them. But I guess we all do that somewhat.

Is it conscience that I'm confusing with cowardice? Not that anyone might lack it, but is it more or less than average to find more people that don't choose to look at the repercussions of their actions. Heck, my mom doesn't and I love her to pieces.

I just know way more guys than gals for whom I have to shrug off their harmful behavior/words and say "It's just X." Maybe Lyonette is right - is this not taught properly? How does one teach it, this unflinching way of looking at oneself and one's actions and accepting all that comes of what we say and do? And of what others say and do?

Is this a question with an ending? I'm reduced to rambling. It's been a long day at work. Another coworker chick having an emotional reaction to her boss, with whom I work just fine. I'm impatient with her for just emoting, and not thinking of solutions. I do see it as wallowing somewhat, when she's singing the same tune now as months ago. This could be unrelated. :-)

[balutakat.livejournal.com]

It's interesting that I will plan for virtually every possible disaster and reaction that I can imagine to the point of paranoia, but frequently only plan for logical reactions and not "illogical" or emotional ones and freak out when they happen because I have no plan for them. Maybe that's the glitch? I've learned to plan for logical men, but not for emotional ones? Lukewarm emotional reactions can throw me much worse than nasty logical ones.

I do think women are better at learned emotional behavior. Maybe too good at it (you can bend us like a vine and we just keep growing in that direction, right?) in a way. I think of men as getting like bonsai, every time they get a nip they stunt themselves a little more. heh.

[balutakat.livejournal.com]

Oh and I don't know about that self-torture bit - I've always loved the challenge of getting a Stone Man gaga over me, even though those relationships were completely boring and doomed in the long run (made for yummy sexy stuff). Isn't that normal (HA HA)!