Perspective

[jeanvieve]

Today my first boyfriend sent me an old proofsheet of when I was about 16, and we posed naked together for a couple art pics while he was putting together head shots for his acting portfolio, and I was struck with a couple things.

First of all, gosh, kids are cute. As Amy said, like kittens and puppies.

But I stared for a while at parts of myself that I remember just hating. I never had that flat line from navel to pubes. Like, ever. My best friend was flat as a board there, and it was one of those things that just meant slim and beautiful to me. And yet I know I had a 26" waistline, and was technically pretty slim.

Now I wish I looked like that girl that I used to call flabby. It's going to take surgery for the hanging skin on my tummy to ever be even near that general shape again, and I crave it so badly it makes me whimper a little. I'm also painfully aware that I've only lost 5 of the pounds I gained back over the winter, and am feeling very fat.

Weirdly, the first time I looked like this on my way DOWN from being so heavy, I was doing little dances of joy and rapture. Now it's not enough. That's really not being fair to myself.

I'm going to start thinking more about ways to love my body as is at all these stages. Maybe it's a little more removing the very skinny jeans again, with the promise of buying new ones. (My very skinny jeans muffin too much to wear, and it makes me feel worse about myself.) I got them in a thrift store anyway. Am I really letting a $4 pair of jeans define how I should feel about myself?

Being more cheerful helped the last 5 lbs come off. Being negative puts the weight on. I should repeat this daily as a mantra.

Comments

Beautiful Lady

[brat-grrl.livejournal.com]

My darling dear,

Don't torture yourself, and know that all of us adore you, even Dave. Go you, go you, go you!

Yeah, I agree with losing the $4 pair of jeans that make you feel fat -- it is not worth it.

[silme.livejournal.com]

Darling, you're beautiful. You were thin back when you a teenager (I have the pictures to prove it). Jeff was telling me late last August when he was over here that you were looking fantastic at Pennsic, and I believe him.

I used to be one of those people who could eat anything and never gain an ounce. Those days ended when my thyroid died. I feel like a fat blob, although I'm not that bad (I now have a tummy and have gone up a dress size) -- I'm just not skinny any longer and I can't eat everything without paying the price. I'm not gaining any longer, but I have to work to lose it. I have to force myself to exercise more...

But I keep thinking that I'm fat and ugly, as if only being underweight, like I used to be, is the only way to be attractive. What a stupid way to think! And what a stupid society that makes us want to think that way!

Let's get angry at society and beat them up! We're beautiful, no matter what we weigh!

[klwilliams.livejournal.com]

Go look at famous nude paintings through the ages. All of the women have rounded bellies and hips, because that's what beautiful is. These flat women? Look like boys.