French Military History
Feb. 19th, 2003 06:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeanvieveFrench Military History
A succinct and accurate summary.
(Don't know who wrote it, but I'm still laughing...)
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,
France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by
female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The
First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only
country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
Huguenots. Ultimately evicting their very own breed
of E-whiskey-palians (many finding a safe haven in
America), the French establish humorlessness along
with military defeat as a defining cultural trait.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a
participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims
a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing
red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French
and Indian War-Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties
in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over
to label the period as the height of French military
power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also
gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which
they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite
familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even
though the colonists saw far more action. This is
later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that
the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories
(remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays
the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home
alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by
American forces forestalls any improvement in the
French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the
United States and Britain just as they finish learning
the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness,
take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat
of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since
the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent
history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be
safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
A succinct and accurate summary.
(Don't know who wrote it, but I'm still laughing...)
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,
France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by
female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The
First Rule of French Warfare; "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a
Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only
country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
Huguenots. Ultimately evicting their very own breed
of E-whiskey-palians (many finding a safe haven in
America), the French establish humorlessness along
with military defeat as a defining cultural trait.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a
participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims
a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing
red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French
and Indian War-Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties
in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over
to label the period as the height of French military
power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also
gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which
they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite
familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even
though the colonists saw far more action. This is
later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that
the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories
(remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays
the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home
alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
"Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by
American forces forestalls any improvement in the
French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the
United States and Britain just as they finish learning
the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness,
take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat
of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since
the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent
history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be
safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
