Kushiel's Sexpot, aka book 4

[jeanvieve]

So Jacqueline Carey is going the way of Laurell Hamilton. Books 1-3, pretty good and entertaining alternative history. Book 4 - entirely from the point of a view of a hormonally overactive teenager. Enjoy here the first half of the book told after the fashion of Troy in 15 minutes:

Imriel: I'm gonna try hard not to spank people
He goes to court.
Queen: You gonna spank people?
Imriel: No ma'am. I'm gonne be your loyal footstool and not spank people.
His counsins the Sharmhazai show up. "Hey, spanking people is the schnizzle!" Imriel: I'm not that into.. ooo.. uh...what are you doing with that riding crop? No! No, I'm not gonna spank people.
He goes to court. Hawt princesse's younger sister: I wish you was my bro! Imriel: I wish I was too, cause I don't seem ta wanna spank you at all. Here, have a dog.
Hawt Princesse's younger sister: Oo, a licky puppy!
Another year passes. Scottish boy shows up. "Wanna fight?" "I totally wanna fight! Stop eyeing my pony." "Stop eyeing my knobby ended Torc!" They fight to a standstill. "Brother?" "Brother!' They hug, each thinking of the other's pony, knobby torc.
So all the scheming nobles: That hawt young traitor's boy. I bet he wants to spank everyone in the kingdom!
Imriel: I totally don't want to spank the kingdom! Hey, Hawt but icy cold princess bombshell, I swear to you I will NOT want to spank you.
Hawt but Icy Cold Princess Bombshell: Okay, I buy that.
Phaedre: You're 18. We gotta get you sexed up. Here's a ticket to the massage parlour on the hill.
Imriel: Hawt dog.
Then there's this hunt. Imriel and HPYS go out together.
HPYS: Hey, that pig gored my dog! Fucking wah!
Imriel chases after then tackles Hawt but Icy Cold Princess Bombshell at the sound of rustling in the trees.
Imriel: Hey, you have total squishy bits up front that are nice to cuddle into. Not that I want to spank you. Just put your hand down to my empty bits. Here.
"Oo, a bunny," says HBICPB.
"I want to pet your bunny. Oh no!", Imriel thinks.
Scottish boy takes off to go to school in Rome. "When in rome, hubba hubba. Ditch those sex obssessed sourpussies and come with me!"
Imriel: Can't! Got this leash around my privates. *they hug farewell*
Shemhazai cousins: Hey, we heard you got laid! Come see how a real man does it. *takes him to Valerian*
Scene: The privately decorated Shemhazai rooms in Valerian - aka Frequent Flyer miles club on knob hill
Valerian hussies of all shapes and genders: Oo! Spank us now you hawt noble types!
Shemhazai cousins: Damned straight you stone foxes! Hey Imri, grab a whip boy.
Flashy2: Imriel: I do not wanna.. I do not wanna.. I TOTALLY WANNA SPANK THIS VALERIAN STONE FOX! (He totally does it in a private room.)
Imri then goes straight home, grabs Phaedra's wrist.
Imriel: Oo!
Phaedre: Oo!
Joscelyn: AHEM! I'm RIGHT HERE!
Imriel: Wow. Guilt city.

Some shadow play about the nature of ambition. Uncles of Queen: That Imriel wants to Spank you, Majesty!
Phaedre: He's only 18, gimme credit for taste. Plus I totally dig Scottish hairy men.
Scottish kinglet and all his relatives show up with suspicious timing. Also in tow: Scottish kinglet's sister's daughter.
D-something: I'm-a gonna be queen one day, tee hee! Titter, titter!
TdA royals: *meaningful look* Wouldn't you like to spank... SCOTTISH hiney, Imri?
Imriel: I don't! I totally don't! I only want to spank HBICPB now, if I could only get her away from her loving guards.
Loving guards: Sod off, we were here first.
HCPIPB: *whistles*
Imriel: HBICPB, I gotta blow this popsicle stand. I don't want Scottish unshaved poontang, and I'm not sure about your squishy bits yet. I'm going to chase after my bosom friend, Scottish Boy!
HCPIPB: *whistles*

--Interlude - Imriel and servant go to Rome, where Imriel wants to be a poor anonymous scholar. Servant: Couldn't we be a middle class scholar? How about a 'living beyond our means and loving it' scholar? Aw c'mon, a place with our own bathroom at least? Imriel: You're totally not getting this experience with me are you.--

Roman toga teacher: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives! You're all a bunch of pigeons! Down is up! White is black! Teaching is dead!
Students: Wow, we didn't know half this stuff. Scottish boy: You made it! Sweet!
Imriel to every passing person he meets: Hey, where do the spy classes meet? *various dumb looks, people jumping into fountains to avoid the question, a couple 'sod off, you hawt libertine babe'*
Roman MILF: Oo, you're one cutie pie. Come spank me. Imriel: Well, IdontknowifI- SURE!
Roman MILF screws Imriel 5 ways to sunday, then draws a dagger on him.
Roman MILF: I cut you, punk! I cut you if you don't agree to spy for us! Cut you bad!
Imriel: Oh. So I found spy school then?

Comments

[koga.livejournal.com]

I CAN HAZ SPANKENZ!

[brat-grrl.livejournal.com]

Cool!

If you could finish up with the last half, I'd then not have to read it.

Read the first one.. never really got me going.

Miss you lots babe!

[jeanvieve.livejournal.com]

Y'all are clearly bored if you're already reading and commenting before I finish cleanup! Hee hee.

[drememynd.livejournal.com]

I just read this book a few days ago - and although I love your humorous assessment of it, and find a great deal of what you say to be absolutely true, I actually enjoyed the silliness of it. Is it as good as the first trilogy was? By no means, the first trilogy had a depth which puts it on the "thought provoking" reading list. However, for a watered-down sequel-trilogy beginning I didn't think it was too bad, I've seen a lot worse. I was still entertained by it, even if it is in the "reading fluff" category, and I still enjoyed Carey's linguistic and descriptive style.

[prosefromdover.livejournal.com]

Beautiful! *snif*. I feel like I've read it.

Wow, that was a timesaver. Do Dostoyevsky next, would you?

[otteringabout.livejournal.com]

Yeah -- like what is up with that whole Brothers Karamazov gig -- the dad all, "u want ur money, u little snot-nosed brat? Was urs, is mine -- deal!" and Mitya yoinks the rock star parking for Grushinka's squishy bits, which totally serves Katya, but she secretly wants to get her stank on Ivan's hangdown anyway, & so when things get ugly that ho Katya acting like she's all that but then singing to the judge that Mitya fragged his dad -- it's like "I didn't snuff my dad" and she's all "no you didn't, wait, yes, u did" and Grushinka's all "Cat fight!" and his bro's all "no, he really didn't, it was me! No, wait, it was the dude who hangs cats, but he's dead, but you can ask the Devil, I talk with him every night" and the judge is all, "dude, that's messed up -- fit him with one of those coats with the long buckle sleeves and get him outta here" and "Ur going to Siberia!" While you're at it, maybe you can give us the snopes on Alyosha the monklover, daddy's little "cherub" -- and that whole "I heart u, Zozma, but u stinnk when ur dead" and "Damn, Ratikin, that's good booze, and, sure, I'll have some of ur forbidden sausage, please!" but when he goes to Grushinka, who's so hawt there's a line around the block, it's all God this and sin that, and it's only hanging around all brokeback with Ilyusha and Kolya that he gets back to being all Sally Field about love. Makes ya wonder. In any case I still betcha Book 4 did better in sales the first week than Brothers K, fasure.

[balutakat.livejournal.com]

Now that BroK are out of the way, I'm game for any Dickens you can spare.