4am rant/epiphany
May. 2nd, 2007 03:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeanvieveI think we don't live happily ever after because we don't understand everything it entails. And by we I mean most folks including me.
When I stop to have a good, hard look at myself and my life I have to grudgingly allow that the universe has indeed shaped itself entirely to my desires in every way. There's mockery from my friends about how I live in "Jeannieland" but as laughingly or scornfully as they say it they don't realize how utterly true it is. They also don't seem to reazlie how they live in their own designer universes, but haven't realized that the knobs on the little boxes are there to be played with.
I have received everything that I ever truly desired. That is, those things that I have yearned for late at night unsleeping, with all my heart and soul. Yearned so hard they became daydreams, then night dreams, then reality. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it I have fantasized about since childhood, setting up scenarios with barbies or homemade dolls made of pipe cleaners, yarn and cheese wax. (Didn't everyone make their own toys? Maybe they should.) The archetypes of the desires for my life were set, and I have obediently roleplayed each of them out.
The problem is, as I see it in this blinding moment of clarity, that we imagine situations that are not always connected in a stream of causation with others in our life. So when we get what we desire, its broken or warped or fails to delight us because only when we approached our desire in the chaotic stream of the universal superconsciousness did we manage to form new visions of the scenes that build around the ones we pictured. Which explains why I've had so many moments of crystal clarity perfection, and misery, and all these other things I've imagined.
We imagine that moment of being held in the arms of the one we love, of perfect peace and perfect love. And we get it. But we miss remembering to imagine all the other moments with that love that are less than perfect, but still part of the whole. So all the jarring unpleasant bits catch us by surprise, like a slap in the face or a mouthful of bad pickle when we were set for ice cream. Success too, but if we don't imagine the work, the reward, and the management of success after it's achieved, it too trickles back into the ether.
Another down side is that we get the nightmares of childhood and adolescence too. Anything that we cared enough to imagine will come, in disguise. Though I could try a different tack and say that we reflect in our childish games things we don't understand, or might through some theory of universal or mass species consciousness, I don't know if that explains it either. All I can say for certain is that we definitely do get to all of our imagined moments in our lives.
Now I need to figure out how to imagine a whole journey. I have some of it down already, but it needs tweaking. I think this is how I've carried off the hoax of my life that I have so successfully. Am I technical? No. Do I understand at any basic level how technology works? No. Electrons completely befuddle me. But I imagined doing all the things I do now, and so I can do them without that deeper understanding that those who love the thing itself have.
So I'm starting to build another dream now, of something to do in the future. Only this time I'm taking the time to craft in my head all the stages on the way and surrounding it. Maybe that's why we don't as kids, there are too many pieces and strings to hang onto. I used to be awful at chess, truly, as there was no chance. But cards? Cards symbolically manipulate the forces of chance and chaos, and that's where I think we get our power. Because we're finite and concrete beings, chaos must obey if we figure out how to cajole it.
Conference call in 3 hours. Must pretend to sleep like normal people.
When I stop to have a good, hard look at myself and my life I have to grudgingly allow that the universe has indeed shaped itself entirely to my desires in every way. There's mockery from my friends about how I live in "Jeannieland" but as laughingly or scornfully as they say it they don't realize how utterly true it is. They also don't seem to reazlie how they live in their own designer universes, but haven't realized that the knobs on the little boxes are there to be played with.
I have received everything that I ever truly desired. That is, those things that I have yearned for late at night unsleeping, with all my heart and soul. Yearned so hard they became daydreams, then night dreams, then reality. The good, the bad, the ugly, all of it I have fantasized about since childhood, setting up scenarios with barbies or homemade dolls made of pipe cleaners, yarn and cheese wax. (Didn't everyone make their own toys? Maybe they should.) The archetypes of the desires for my life were set, and I have obediently roleplayed each of them out.
The problem is, as I see it in this blinding moment of clarity, that we imagine situations that are not always connected in a stream of causation with others in our life. So when we get what we desire, its broken or warped or fails to delight us because only when we approached our desire in the chaotic stream of the universal superconsciousness did we manage to form new visions of the scenes that build around the ones we pictured. Which explains why I've had so many moments of crystal clarity perfection, and misery, and all these other things I've imagined.
We imagine that moment of being held in the arms of the one we love, of perfect peace and perfect love. And we get it. But we miss remembering to imagine all the other moments with that love that are less than perfect, but still part of the whole. So all the jarring unpleasant bits catch us by surprise, like a slap in the face or a mouthful of bad pickle when we were set for ice cream. Success too, but if we don't imagine the work, the reward, and the management of success after it's achieved, it too trickles back into the ether.
Another down side is that we get the nightmares of childhood and adolescence too. Anything that we cared enough to imagine will come, in disguise. Though I could try a different tack and say that we reflect in our childish games things we don't understand, or might through some theory of universal or mass species consciousness, I don't know if that explains it either. All I can say for certain is that we definitely do get to all of our imagined moments in our lives.
Now I need to figure out how to imagine a whole journey. I have some of it down already, but it needs tweaking. I think this is how I've carried off the hoax of my life that I have so successfully. Am I technical? No. Do I understand at any basic level how technology works? No. Electrons completely befuddle me. But I imagined doing all the things I do now, and so I can do them without that deeper understanding that those who love the thing itself have.
So I'm starting to build another dream now, of something to do in the future. Only this time I'm taking the time to craft in my head all the stages on the way and surrounding it. Maybe that's why we don't as kids, there are too many pieces and strings to hang onto. I used to be awful at chess, truly, as there was no chance. But cards? Cards symbolically manipulate the forces of chance and chaos, and that's where I think we get our power. Because we're finite and concrete beings, chaos must obey if we figure out how to cajole it.
Conference call in 3 hours. Must pretend to sleep like normal people.
