jeanvieve

There are subtle deceptions around me, that leave me restless and not entirely happy. None of which can really be confronted directly right now - yes, I tried in my normal unsubtle fashion. It unearths them, brings them to the shadows out of the darkness. But I wonder if I am thought an oblivious fool? I have been underestimated before, that by not calling someone a liar or throwing some sort of fit of pique those that choose to deceive choose to also believe that I am far more credulous than I am. I have been lied to by the best, people. Most folks suck at it, but think they're clever. 5pt disadvantage.

My manager's manager told me today that I wasn't even in his top three candidates for the job of my manager, which will be vacant next week. He temporized about how he just didn't think I was ready. Of course, looking at the people he's put into positions, he generally chooses the weak and the inept to promote wherever possible. Perhaps it shows he is not a good manager in ways other than even those he demonstrates with the sudden but slight decline in business. (Am I bitter? Yes, but I do not think wholly inaccurate.) I could move in and take over the management position from most of those people, and do it better. And I've a feeling some know it.

My currently outgoing manager frankly left most everything in the way of business to me. I made decisions. I wrote his comments on issues. I was him, in many ways, the power behind the throne. Two of the three team leads would have supported me absolutely. Possibly even three, though the third team also contains per capita more detractors. But its the mention I miss, for all the kudos and the 'we couldn't do this without you' noises, I'm still underpaid and underestimated. There's a boys' club here and I have not even begun to conquer it, apparently. I have detractors, and because I have not complained of them I have let their voices be the only ones heard. But I will not stoop to their level of backbiting.

I received some advice about it though, which I have been considering. Some of it I will take, I think, as a test. And eliminate those factors that were told to me as being reasons to delay my upward mobility. (I haven't completed IBM's leadership/manager training. This was made a big deal.) So I have goals now. Projects that must be completed by my internal clocks. And if, in a year, I am not a manager in my current department, I will be a manager in another department.

The other reasons I was not considered were merely mouthings, empty and meaningless. I think he was taken aback by my drive and ambition. Perhaps, for an instant, he wondered if I wanted his job. I do.

Now, I can accept missing out. This time at least I got the interview, though I was told as I walked in the door that I wouldn't be chosen. (Subtle? No.) But what I've objections to, dear Universe, was walking out to finding my car towed out of the parking lot for parking in the second shift zone a few minutes early. On a friday. With no one going in to work who can help it and a mostly empty lot.

And it was $195 to get it back. And my ATM had issues, so I had to borrow part. Damn. So much for how I'd budgeted spending this last week before my paycheck. I don't want to put groceries on plastic - bad juju. They would have wanted another $60 to give me a ride to my car, a bit out of walking distance.

A triple whammy of a day, but its left me angry. And anger is good, useful. Embrace the dark side, and you produce a heck of a lot more in documentation and class test results. And this is clearly what I need to be doing for the next couple months - maybe even all Fall.