and sometimes

[jeanvieve]

the problem with sleeping is liking a boy and pondering him while wondering what he'd do with certain situations and phrases and statements and very uncharacteristically wondering what he actually feels when normally you don't worry too much about that sort of thing since really emotions are tidal in the way they come and go with people and never stick around for long but you still wonder how the tide would wash around these particular rocks added to a certain complicated tide pool arrangement that's full of rocks that have been there for a long time and though they're worn down and you think they're shapes in a garden you can work with still you wonder if yours would make a difference because you really want to be different this time in a way that makes him also lie awake at night remembering things you said and did and how it felt to have his lips on yours and to taste you and feel you touching his face because you didn't know how else to express a silent need for that intimacy when that small thing is about your most potent trigger that very few people really understand and you're uncertain how to convey that you understand all the roadblocks and distances and challenges that are inherent to really living in tide pools with bare feet but you've already accepted them all because it's not about planning for forever but living at this particular moment in a way that you want to be alive and vital and happy and you know better than anyone in the world that you could get flattened by a semi tomorrow and that feeling something profound again when that special reaction happens is something you can't really fake or manufacture when it isn't real and there to start with only you're not one hundred percent certain that the spark was felt on both sides because he's actually a lot more adult than you have recently known and grown ups don't always wear their thoughts or hearts on their sleeve and god knows you are way too stoic when you're hurting or upset but not when you're happy and what if he isn't stoic but just not that into you?