Braving a storm in a skiff made of paper
Nov. 29th, 2002 04:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jeanvieveIt is unfortunate to have to look for silver linings. Briefly do I understand how the rest of the world functions, lacking my usual astounding good luck in this matter of borders and petty details of the unimaginative. But then, perhaps my fortune is spent on more lasting things of gold rather than these pieces of copper. Everyone must pay their dues, nothing great coming into being without effort? Or is it I must learn to factor my own excess of Joss with that of other people more as my life changes, and learn to rebalance.
I have a plan, a counter plan, an emergency plan, and a long term plan. (Take that, all you detractors who will never read this and think I don't make provisions!) I know sometimes I'm seen as being a bit too lucky, of hardly working hard and succeeding through wits and fortune. Little do some of them know the painstaking effort it takes to make all the cards fall into place at once in a manner that seems obvious and simple, doing my best to keep up the front that there is no cost, no pain, no trial behind the facade of calm competence.
The cost of failure is one most do not understand, though one does at last. The catch of tears in someone's voice, that brings an instant and similar response. The internal castigations that I should have tried harder, planned even more, considered failure in my approach. I try to allow for mistakes and failure when I play these games of life, for they are games no matter the seriousness of the outcomes. Always the intention to pick up and go on to the next battle, the next strategy. I have to look forward to the next victory, because it is too seductively easy to wallow in the misery of the present defeat. And that is a downward spiral that I do not have the capacity to handle.
Because this battle matters, where so many hundreds have not. And when you have thrown your heart and soul into the fight, you cannot be defeated. If you plan too much with the awareness of losing, you will lose. It takes a great deal of daring and courage to take on a giant with small stones, and if you are too aware of the death if you lose, you sign your own warrant. I can't think of it, losing. No one gets left behind.
I want this, as I have wanted little in many years. A dream that could last for always.
I have a plan, a counter plan, an emergency plan, and a long term plan. (Take that, all you detractors who will never read this and think I don't make provisions!) I know sometimes I'm seen as being a bit too lucky, of hardly working hard and succeeding through wits and fortune. Little do some of them know the painstaking effort it takes to make all the cards fall into place at once in a manner that seems obvious and simple, doing my best to keep up the front that there is no cost, no pain, no trial behind the facade of calm competence.
The cost of failure is one most do not understand, though one does at last. The catch of tears in someone's voice, that brings an instant and similar response. The internal castigations that I should have tried harder, planned even more, considered failure in my approach. I try to allow for mistakes and failure when I play these games of life, for they are games no matter the seriousness of the outcomes. Always the intention to pick up and go on to the next battle, the next strategy. I have to look forward to the next victory, because it is too seductively easy to wallow in the misery of the present defeat. And that is a downward spiral that I do not have the capacity to handle.
Because this battle matters, where so many hundreds have not. And when you have thrown your heart and soul into the fight, you cannot be defeated. If you plan too much with the awareness of losing, you will lose. It takes a great deal of daring and courage to take on a giant with small stones, and if you are too aware of the death if you lose, you sign your own warrant. I can't think of it, losing. No one gets left behind.
I want this, as I have wanted little in many years. A dream that could last for always.
